


Anemoia

by eorumverba



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 07:17:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11203095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eorumverba/pseuds/eorumverba
Summary: anemoia - n. nostalgia for a time you’ve never knowna look on some of the firsts in Jonghyun and Taemin’s relationship





	Anemoia

**Author's Note:**

> this is actually a backstory/companion for [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11436606)

>   _1\. First sight_

Jonghyun is one of the first people that gets to calculus on the first day; he takes the seat in the right corner closest to the door and digs his phone from his pocket to pass the five or so minutes before the rest of the class comes in. He can’t help glancing up at each person that comes in, and that is why he manages to lock gazes with the boy with long shaggy hair and the soft shy gaze. The smile that crosses his lips is soft as well, and he takes the seat just behind Jonghyun.

Something compels Jonghyun to turn around in his seat and smile again when the boy looks up. “Hey, I’m Jonghyun. Are you new? I’ve never seen you before.”

The boy blinks once twice thrice in quick succession, then says, “No…I’m a sophomore. Taemin. That’s probably why.”

“A sophomore? You’re sure you’re in the right class?”

Taemin ducks his head, clearly flustered, and his hand comes up to smooth over his smile before he nods. “I took pre-calc over the summer. I’m kind of nervous, but it should be fine-”

The bell interrupts whatever else Taemin had been about to say, and Jonghyun spin back around as the door shuts after their teacher. As she takes roll and begins to teach, all Jonghyun can think of is the bright smile that had been on Taemin’s lips before he smothered it.

For some reason, he really wants to make Taemin smile again.

* * *

 

> _2\. First conversation_

It’s nearing 8pm when Jonghyun finally notices the time and starts packing up his guitar and notebooks; he’s quick to rush to his car and takes a moment to warm his hands with the heater before pulling out of his parking space and starting back home. He’s at the corner of the block school is on when he sees a boy that looks like Taemin - and then Jonghyun sees the blue of his backpack and pulls to a stop in front of him.

“Do you need a ride?”

Taemin blinks quickly a few times and then his face relaxes when he sees who it is; he’s quick to toss his bags in the back and hop into the seat next to Jonghyun. “Thanks, hyung.”

“What are you doing at school so late? And walking home - it’s so _cold_ out!”

“I had dance practice…it ended at 6, but me and my partner have a solo coming up for the winter recital, so we’ve been staying behind until now.”

“Is he walking too?”

“Yeah, he only lives a block away though.”

“Okay, good. You hungry? My treat.”

“What - why?”

“Because I was going to get food before I went home? I’m starved.”

“Let me just call home, okay?”

“Of course.”

Taemin’s call home is quick and when he hangs up, he smiles bright and nods at Jonghyun. “I can go, I just have to be back by 10.”

“Cool, what are you hungry for?”

“Can we get burgers?”

“Anything you want, Tae.”

“Burgers then.”

The car ride is quiet after that; Taemin fiddles with his phone and Jonghyun focuses on driving them to the closest Burger King. If Jonghyun is surprised to see Taemin order a double whopper, large fries _and_ a giant milkshake, he doesn’t say anything, just orders for himself and pays for them both. They sit at a booth towards the back and it’s oddly _nice_ even if it is quiet.

“Thank you,” Taemin says between bites, “for being so nice to me. And for the meal, and the ride. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but thank you.”

“Of course, Tae. And just…I don’t know. You seem nice, and I want to be your friend.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Then…thank you.”

“When’s your dance recital?”

“The day before winter break. You’re going to come?”

“Of course, I like supporting my friends.”

Taemin smiles, but it soon twists into a frown as he polishes off the rest of his burger. “But why were you still at school?”

“I lost track of time, I was trying to finish up a song for Blue Night.”

“Blue Night?”

“Oh, it’s…nothing special really. It’s a radio show I have - or, it was my friend’s, but I took over. Mostly I just play my songs and whatever else I’m listening to. Sometimes people call in, but that isn’t often. I talk too, about whatever’s on my mind and what’s happening.”

“Where can I listening?” Taemin’s smile is shy when he looks up through his lashes at Jonghyun. “I like supporting my friends.”

Jonghyun’s heart _melts_ , and he promises to text Taemin the details after they exchange numbers. They split a hershey pie after that, and somehow, by the time they’re able to tear themselves from the table, it’s nearing 9:30. Even though they pull up to Taemin’s house with fifteen minutes to spare, they spend the next ten just sitting in Jonghyun’s car, the radio off, and they just…talk. About music and school and sports and everything between - they have a lot in common, and Jonghyun’s heart is ready to burst by the time Taemin finally pulls himself away to go inside.

The next day, in math, the smile Taemin flashes him when he walks in the door is nearly blinding.

* * *

 

> _3\. First crush_

The first time Jonghyun comes to Taemin with a crush is sometime in the middle of Taemin’s junior year; Jonghyun’s just started his second semester of college and the crush he has is on a cute tall soccer player in his psychology class.

“His name is Minho,” Jonghyun says in the middle of one of their daily skype calls, “and he’s tall and cute and his _smile_ , Tae, he has such a nice smile.”

“Have you talked to him yet?”

“Not really, but I will.” Jonghyn hides his giggle behind his hand and picks up his phone, tapping around with it for a few minutes before putting it down, just as Taemin’s buzzes. The snap Jonghyun has sent is of himself with the flower crown filter.

“Cute, Jonghyunnie.”

In the corner of Taemin’s computer screen, Jonghyun smiles, bright and pixelated. Taemin finds himself missing the real thing, but he doesn’t say so. Besides, they’ll hopefully see each other soon.

“Ah, Taeminnie, I have to go. Kibummie wants to get a smoothie and I don’t want him to walk alone.”

“Okay, see you later.”

“Bye bye!”

Jonghyun talks to Minho the next week, gets his number as well, and Taemin has never _seen_ him so giggly, so excited over such little things. It’s cute - Jonghyun is filled with so much love and Taemin really is happy for him. Even if it takes almost a month of Jonghyun gushing over Minho, sending parts of their conversations and asking _do you think he likes me or is he just being friendly?_ and otherwise just giggling and smiling at random intervals for Taemin to convince Jonghyun to just ask Minho out.

When Minho says yes, Taemin realizes that he’s never seen Jonghyun so happy.

* * *

 

> _4\. First cry_

Minho and Jonghyun’s relationship lasts almost two months before Minho breaks up with Jonghyun, saying that he thinks they work better as friends than as boyfriends. Jonghyun takes it fairly well, and he and Minho are still friendly - they still have that psych class and they still study together, and Jonghyun doesn’t cry over Minho, not once. Not until Jonghyun’s spring break hits - he spends most of his time with Taemin, lazing around in his room while Taemin does his work. They’re there now - Taemin’s in the middle of a packet when Jonghyun clears his throat and mumbles,

“Tae?”

“Yes, Jonghyun?” Taemin doesn’t even look up, well used to Jonghyun’s antics.

“ _Tae_ ,” Jonghyun whines now, “pay attention to me.”

With a long-suffering sigh, Taemin puts his pen down and looks over at Jonghyun. “ _Yes_ , Jonghyun.”

“I’m _starved_ , can we get food?”

“Did you do any of your writing?”

“I’ll be more motivated to if I’m not hungry, _please_.”

“Finish at least _something_ first and I’ll order pizza.”

Instead of agreeing, Jonghyun puts his head down on the table and pouts over at Taemin. “My head is in the clouds and my eyes only see the stars, Tae. I can’t _focus_.”

“God, you’re so…” Taemin sighs again, but it’s more fond than anything else, and Jonghyun watches as Taemin opens his laptop and orders a large pizza, half pineapple and half plain.

“Thanks, Taeminnie.” Jonghyun pushes his face into Taemin’s arm, too lazy and too tired to show any other form of gratitude.

“C’mon, do your work. You can’t slack with Blue Night now, not with how popular it’s getting.”

All Jonghyun do is groan and lift his face enough to weakly press his teeth (and tongue) to Taemin’s arm. And Taemin, all too used to this, just _sighs_ and wipes the spit away before going back to his work.

“After all this time and you’re still so…”

“So _what?_ ”

“So nothing.” Taemin shakes his head and continues to work, that fond smile still on his lips. “Get to work, Jonghyunnie, I know you can. You always do.”

Jonghyun grumbles and pushes himself to sit up straight, but instead of doing his work, he props his head up with his hand and stares at Taemin, pouting.

“What is it, Jjong?”

“Mm…nothing. My mind is racing and I can’t focus.”

“What are you thinking about then?”

“Minho.”

Oh. Taemin puts his pen down again and turns to face Jonghyun, willing him to continue.

“Just, do you think it was my fault? I _am_ pretty affectionate, and maybe he-”

“It wasn’t your fault, Jonghyunnie. It wasn’t either of your faults. Okay?”

Jonghyun hums and nods, but he’s clearly unconvinced. “I just…” a shrug, “I guess I wish it’d worked out.”

“Aren’t you still friends?”

“Yeah, but I _miss_ him. I miss kissing him and I miss going on dates and I miss waking up to good morning messages and-” Jonghyun’s voice wavers and suddenly he’s crying, heaving sobs that shake his whole body. Taemin is quick to pull him close, to haul him in as close as possible so that Jonghyun’s tears are muffled into his shoulder and hot tears fall on his shirt. As Jonghyun cries, Taemin rubs gentle circles on his back and murmurs quiet words of reassurance, trying to calm him in the only way he knows.

He would’ve thought it would be awkward, but it feels nice, having Jonghyun this close. Taemin just wishes that Jonghyun weren’t sad, wouldn’t cry.

He mostly just wants to make Jonghyun happy.

* * *

 

> _5\. First confession_

Now that Jonghyun is done with his first year of college, he’s been picking Taemin up from school; most of the time they’ll stop for a snack before going to one of their houses. Taemin is sure it was Jongin that started the rumor that he and Jonghyun are dating, but that doesn’t really matter, and Jonghyun quite likes the rumors anyway.

But Jonghyun is oddly quiet today; doesn’t ask Taemin how his day was or tease him for…anything, and it makes Taemin frown. Because Jonghyun is never like this.

They pull up to the bagel shop they frequent, but Jonghyun doesn’t unlock the doors and neither of them move, so Taemin finally asks, “What’s wrong?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Cut the bull, Jjong. You really think you can fool me?”

Jonghyun grins, but it’s weak and he shrugs. “Of course not. Am I that predictable?”

“Only to me. Now - what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s _wrong_ , just…I’ve been trying to think of how to say this all day but I can’t think of an eloquent way to say it, so just. I like you. And I’m not asking anything or expecting anything of you, just. I wanted to say it.”

Oh. “Um-”

“It’s fine, just pretend I never said anything.”

“No, just…let me think about it. If you want to try the whole dating thing? Everyone thinks we are anyway, so.”

Jonghyun frowns a little and opens his mouth to speak, closes it. Unlocks the doors, gets out of the car without another word, not waiting for Taemin to follow as he goes to the bagel shop. Jonghyun pays as usual, and he is unusually subdued as he does, not flirting with or even smiling at any of the workers, who he all thinks are very cute.

It’s all very odd until they get back to the car - Jonghyun is still quiet when he says, “If we’re going to try dating, I don’t want it to be just because everyone thinks we already are. I want it to be because you feel for me what I feel for you.”

Taemin’s heart stutters in his chest, and it’s weird, because he’s only ever considered Jonghyun to be a friend - albeit a best friend, even more than Jongin. “Since when?”

“I’ve liked you since…I don’t really know since when, but I didn’t realize until after me and Minho broke up.”

“Then why wait until now to tell me? It’s been two months since then.”

“Because…I don’t know, I guess I just couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. I’d rather you know and say no than not know at all.”

“Oh.”

“So…what do you want to do now?”

“Uh. You can drop me home, I guess. I have a lot of work to do,” Taemin lies. Not because he doesn’t want to be around Jonghyun, but because he needs to think.

Jonghyun squints at him (because since when do they still assign homework in June?), but the smile that flirts with his lips is soft and understanding. “Okay.”

* * *

 

> _6\. First introduction_

Not a week after Jonghyun’s confession, Jonghyun is invited to Taemin’s for Memorial Day. Some of his family is over - aunts and uncles and cousins - and while Jonghyun doesn’t know most of them, Taemin’s parents are quick to welcome him in, but before they can ask how his school year went and what he’s studying, Taemin grabs him by the hand and tugs him outside to where the food is.

“Who’s this, Taeminnie?” one of the aunts asks.

“Oh, I’m-”

“Jonghyun, my boyfriend.”

Everyone seems to _realize_ all at the same time; Jonghyun nearly drops his plate and he’s pretty sure that one of the uncles actually _does_ , but that doesn’t matter, because when Taemin catches his gaze, a grin flirts with his lips, and his nod is for Jonghyun alone.

Jonghyun really really _really_ wants to kiss the pleased grin from Taemin’s lips, but he thinks that shocking Taemin’s family members to silence is enough for now.

Besides, at least they’re left alone in Taemin’s room for the rest of the day.

* * *

 

> _7\. First kiss_

They spend Taemin’s birthday hanging out at Jonghyun’s place; the ac at Taemin’s is broken and while Jonghyun’s fan isn’t nearly as good as the ac, they’re both too lazy to get up and turn it on. Taemin’s sitting on the floor, back against the side of the bed as he nurses a barely-cold drink and Jonghyun is laying upside down just next to him, staring up at the fan as it spins in slow circles.

“Sorry we couldn’t do anything better for your birthday.”

“Nah, it’s cool. Beats sitting around at home, and besides, you’re here.”

Jonghyun’s breath catches in his throat and his heart stutters in his chest, but he doesn’t have the words to say what he feels. So he sits up and slips from the bed, sitting carefully next to Taemin and taking in a useless breath when Taemin turns to look at him.

“Tae, can I kiss you?”

Taemin’s eyes widen just a little, and he doesn’t move for a long moment, but when he does, it’s to nod almost imperceptibly. He leans into the hand that Jonghyun places on his cheek, and Jonghyun just _looks_ for a long moment, watching the way Taemin’s lips part and his lashes flutter.

“You’re beautiful, Taemin.”

“Ah…” Taemin is clearly flustered, and he ducks his head, pressing further into Jonghyun’s hand and licking his lips as he’s wont to do when thinking of something to say. “Thank you.”

“You don’t believe me?”

Taemin doesn’t move, but his smile _does_ grow, and finally, he nods. “If it’s you, then anything.”

Jonghyun’s heart stutters again and he presses his forehead to Taemin’s, just _feeling_ him for a moment, his body heat and the soft puffs of his breaths on his face, the hand Taemin has placed on his thigh and the barely-there brush of Taemin’s lips to his.

“Can I…?” Jonghyun asks again. His lips almost almost _almost_ touch Taemin’s when speaks, and when Taemin nods, the swell of his lower lip grazes Jonghyun’s. It’s not quite a kiss, but almost, and Jonghyun finds himself holding his breath because even though he’s kissed people before, this is _different_. This is _Taemin_. Lovely, sweet Taemin: Taemin who he’s watched in just two years grow from a scrawny, shy sophomore to _this_ , beautiful and willowy and perfect.

“I thought you were gonna kiss me.” Taemin sounds like he’s about to laugh, and Jonghyun rolls his eyes, more fond than exasperated.

“I don’t think I should now.”

“ _Jonghyunnie_ ,” Taemin’s voice is almost a whine now, and Jonghyun finds himself laughing. His heart _swells_ and he feels like he’s never been more happy or more in love, and all he wants is to kiss Taemin - so he does.

Taemin’s lips are chapped and it makes the slide of their lips rough, but Taemin’s hands are warm and his body is soft when he slips into Jonghyun’s lap. There is a long moment before Jonghyun is able to bring his hands up to set them against Taemin’s waist, but when he does, Taemin pulls even closer and winds himself around Jonghyun completely. A quiet noise comes from his lips when Jonghyun’s fingers press tight, flirting with the hemline of his shirt and grazing skin.

When Taemin pulls away, his cheeks are flushed and he touches his lips, smile wobbly but wide, and he ducks his head when he sees Jonghyun staring, clearly flustered. “Jonghyunnie,” he says, but that’s all. As if he’d just wanted to say his name, just because.

(And honestly, Jonghyun can’t resist saying, “Happy birthday, Tae.”

Taemin punches him in the arm, and that…is the end of that.)

* * *

 

> _8\. First date_

“Tae?” Jonghyun’s voice is quiet, muffled and Taemin hums, rolling over.

“Thought you were asleep, Jonghyunnie.”

“Almost…just what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Probably nothing, why?”

“My car got fixed, and I want to take you out.”

“What, asking me on a date?”

Jonghyun’s laugh is sleepy, and there comes the sound of the blankets rustling, like he’s nodding. “Guess I am.”

“Do I get any hints?”

Jonghyun makes a whiny little noise and Taemin can’t help laughing at how _cute_ he is. “You’re cute, Jonghyunnie. See you tomorrow?”

Jonghyun’s only reply is a quiet noise of approval and then a sleepy, “Good night.”

“Want me to hang up?”

Another sleepy little whiny noise, and Taemin laughs again. “I’ll stay then, night night.”

“Night night.”

Taemin wakes the next day to the sound of Jonghyun’s quiet breathing; he’s still asleep so Taemin is careful to stay extra quiet when he gets out of bed, knowing of how little Jonghyun usually sleeps and what a light sleeper he is. Jonghyun’s awake by the time he’s up and dressed though, and his speech is still mostly mumbles as he fights the pull not to fall asleep again.

With the way he is now, Taemin guesses he won’t come over for at least another few hours, and he’s right: Jonghyun stays on the phone all the way to Taemin’s house, denying that he’s driving even though Taemin can hear how tinny his voice is through the bluetooth speakers and the noise of the other cars driving past him.

When Taemin slips into the passenger’s seat, Jonghyun is quick to greet him with a blinding smile and a kiss to his cheek. “I spent a lot of time thinking about where to take you, Taeminnie.”

“Hope you picked somewhere good, and not just…a movie or something.”

“What’s wrong with a movie?”

“It’s cheesy, and besides. I have the firestick, remember?”

“I think it’s a cute date…” Even without looking over, Taemin can tell Jonghyun is pouting, so he plugs his phone into the AUX cord and puts one of his playlists on shuffle, absolutely _adoring_ the way Jonghyun lights up when his own voice comes out of the speakers.

“You have my songs?”

“Of course, Jonghyunnie. So where are we going?”

“You’ll see when we get there.” Jonghyun teases. “You’re always so impatient, Tae.”

“Oh, says you.”

“I do say so. Now stop complaining, we’re here.”

When Taemin looks out the window, he sees a Burger King, and when he turns back to Jonghyun, he’s grinning, apparently amused at Taemin’s expression.

“Seriously? My very first date, and to a Burger King?”

“I’m wounded, Taeminnie. This is a very significant place for us, don’t you remember? This was where we had our first real conversation.”

Oh, Taemin thinks, and he sighs. “You’re so _cheesy_ , god.”

“I was picking between here and a more expensive place, but this is better, I think.” Jonghyun looks up at Taemin through his lashes after taking Taemin’s hand in his and lacing their fingers together, and his gaze is soft but still earnest. “I want to make memories with you, Taemin.”

Taemin’s heart stutters in his chest and he nods, struck mute. But when Jonghyun gets out of the car and then opens Taemin’s door, he’s quick to grab Jonghyun’s hand and hold it tight. Because he thinks he wants to make memories with him as well.

* * *

_9\. First time_

When Jonghyun picks Taemin up, it’s just after sunset; the car smells of takeout and when Taemin looks in the backseat, there is a huge paper bag that he assumes is full of their dinner.

“Hey babe.”

“Hi Jonghyunnie.” Taemin leans in to press a quick kiss that turns lingering; Jonghyun’s hand comes up to cradle Taemin’s cheek and draw him even closer, and Taemin is breathless by the time the kiss breaks.

“Ready to go?” Jonghyun’s voice is a whisper of a breath and Taemin nods, even though if he were to press forwards just a few inches, they could kiss again, again, again. Taemin thinks that he could spend hours just kissing Jonghyun, breathing him in. It feels like another few hours before he finally manages to pull away enough so that Jonghyun can focus enough to drive.

It’s dark by the time they get to the beach, but Jonghyun easily lights a small fire while Taemin spreads out their towels and gets their food. Jonghyun sits just next to him, so their thighs brush and the smell of the takeout paired with the sight of the sea and the sound of the gentle waves makes Taemin melt.

“This _is_ much better than prom, thanks Jonghyunnie.”

“Of course.” Jonghyun nudges Taemin, and there’s a smug little grin on his lips. “I always have the best ideas.”

“Sometimes, anyway. This was surprisingly a good idea though.”

“Shut up!” Jonghyun chokes on a laugh and nudges Taemin again, harder this time. “Brat.”

“You love me.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun says, “I do.”

And that makes Taemin’s breath hitch in his throat, makes him turn to Jonghyun and Jonghyun is staring at him as well, adoration making the lines of his face soft. It’s all too easy for Taemin to lean in and meet Jonghyun in the middle for a kiss that is soft and sweet and lingering. Jonghyun’s hand is warm and calloused when it comes up to cradle Taemin’s cheek, and his lips are just as gentle and soft. But this is somehow different, because when Taemin pulls away, Jonghyun follows, eager and insistent and his kisses are no longer lazy - they’re intense and bordering desperate, and it feels both sudden and slow when Jonghyun moves from sitting next to him to sitting on his hands and knees in front of Taemin, gently pushing him down and straddling him.

It feels like Taemin can’t breathe and when Jonghyun finally manages to pull himself away, he’s breathing hard, and he’s trembling. “Tae, I-”

“Jonghyun,” Taemin interrupts, not with any purpose, just to say his name. Just to feel the weight of the word on his tongue.

“Tae, I…how far do you want to go with me?” pause, “Right now, anyway.”

“I,” Taemin’s voice is rough and he clears his throat, blinking quickly and then starting again, “I want to do this. All of it, whatever you want. With you. Right now. I-”

“You what?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just…please. I want to do this with you.”

In the low light, Jonghyun nods, and when he leans down to kiss Taemin again, it’s both gentle and earnest. And even though Taemin’s heart is pounding and he’s more nervous than he’s ever been in his life, he knows that Jonghyun won’t hurt him, will only be gentle and sweet, because that’s the way he always is. So when Jonghyun gently places his hands on Taemin’s legs in a wordless request for Taemin to spread, it is easy to, and when Jonghyun breaths the question against his mouth, all Taemin can say is yes.

* * *

 

> _10\. First I love you_

Taemin’s been excited about his trip to Switzerland for weeks now; Jonghyun has spent hours listening to him ramble on about skiing and skydiving and snow, and while he doesn’t really care about travelling, it’s nice to see Taemin so excited, and the light Taemin has in his eyes when he speaks of Switzerland is something Jonghyun has never seen. So Taemin’s enthusiasm gets to him as well - until the day he’s to leave. Jonghyun is the one to drop Taemin off at the airport; his parents have work and Jonghyun…would do anything for Taemin, so he tells Taemin’s parents that he’ll take him so they don’t have to take off of work.

So here they are at the airport, and Jonghyun is fighting tears because his Taemin will be gone for at least two months, and while Taemin had been bouncing in barely contained excitement next to him, when his plane number is called and he turns to Jonghyun to say goodbye, he sees the look on his face and his smile fades immediately.

“Jonghyunnie…”

“Tae-” Jonghyun’s voice breaks and he chokes on a sob when Taemin’s hand comes up to wipe away his tears, “Tae, I… _I’ll_ miss you.”

“Don’t worry, Jonghyunnie. We’ll talk, every day. Okay? It’s only a seven hour time difference, Jonghyunnie. Don’t cry? We can skype, and we have kakao. I’ll be here.”

“Promise?”

Taemin holds up his hand, extending his pinky, and Jonghyun bites back another sob as he pinky promises. Taemin has to go just after that, and Jonghyun wishes that he’d been brave enough to lean forward enough to give Taemin a goodbye kiss.

But Taemin’s right: they’ll talk, and he’ll be here.

And he is: they skype as soon as Taemin gets to his hotel, and Taemin carries his laptop around the hotel room, showing off the setup. He’s jetlagged though, and it shows when he finally flops down in one of the large beds. His eyes are puffy and his lips are swollen, and he’s more than half asleep, but Jonghyun thinks he’s never been more beautiful.

Jonghyun falls asleep to the soft puffs of Taemin’s breathing, and he sleeps with one of his plushies in his arms, pretending and wishing that he could hold Taemin instead.

Taemin’s gone when Jonghyun gets up, but there’s a message waiting, telling Jonghyun how happy he’d been to wake up to Jonghyun there, how much he misses him already, and how thankful he is to have someone as perfect as Jonghyun to call his. The note makes Jonghyun’s heart warm, and he’s quick to type out a half-coherent response that Taemin will surely respond to with just “that’s really gay, Jonghyunnie”.

(He’s right.)

The days crawl by without Taemin to spend them with, but Jonghyun is glued to his phone now, eagerly waiting on Taemin’s messages and replying instantly. It feels almost like they’ve just started dating again, with how flustered and giddy Jonghyun gets over each message, and after making the mistake of telling Taemin that, well. Jonghyun doesn’t think he’ll ever live that down.

And everything is good, even with how much Jonghyun misses Taemin. But that’s okay, because he has Taemin here, and soon he’ll have Taemin _here_ , in his arms and in his lap, and everything will be right again.

Taemin forgets their Skype date (they’ll watch movies and order the same food) one night, and his excuse is that he’d gone out drinking with friends. And Jonghyun doesn’t mind, because he’d at least gone to bed early that night. Besides, he knows how forgetful Taemin can be, and it’s honestly kind of endearing. Taemin is just glad Jonghyun is so understanding, and promises not to do it again. He doesn’t forget their date the next week, and everything is fine again.

But Taemin’s busy on his phone throughout the movie the next week, and Jonghyun wants to brush it off, but he _can’t_ because Taemin doesn’t…seem happy like that. Not with him. “Tae?”

“Yeah, Jonghyun?”

“I - who are you texting?”

“Oh, just a group chat with me and some friends. We’re trying to plan something to do on Saturday night.”

“This Saturday?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Saturday the 6th?”

“Yeah-”

“Tae, you don’t…remember?”

“Remember _what?_ You know how bad my memory is, Jjong-”

“Saturday, June 6th. We spent last June 6th at your house, and that was the first time you referred to me as your boyfriend, so _that_ would’ve been our one year anniversary.”

Silence for a long moment, and then Taemin says, “Oh.”

And that’s it.

(Jonghyun expects Taemin to cancel his plans on Saturday, but there comes no word from him. But at least he’s read Jonghyun’s apology message?)

Taemin kind of just…stops answering after that; he’ll read Jonghyun’s messages and either take obscene amount of hours to answer, or not answer at all. They skype less as well, simply because Jonghyun feels awkward now, can barely think of what to say when he has Taemin alone.

Taemin’s birthday comes and goes without any word from him either - Jonghyun had sent a happy birthday message once midnight hit over there, and Taemin had promptly read it, but there comes no response. Not until the next night, and all he says is “thank you”. It’s formal and it’s foreign and it’s so unlike the Taemin Jonghyun knows (thought he knew) that tears build up and spill over. He cries himself to sleep that night, wishing only that he could turn back time, and do something, _anything_ differently, better. Anything to keep Taemin the way he had been, anything to have what they used to.

(Jonghyun is so used to starting their conversations that he decides to do a little experiment, to see how long it would take for Taemin to start a conversation. After the second week of not talking, well. He gives up.)

It’s not until the beginning of August that he finally gets Taemin to skype him again, and the first thing Taemin says is, “Jjong, you _need_ to come here, there’s so much to _do_ \- holy shit, you look like shit.”

And Jonghyun supposes that he does. He also thinks that he doesn’t care, and he is most surprised that Taemin has noticed. But he doesn’t say any of that - all he asks is, “Tae, don’t you think something is wrong? With us?”

“What? No, why?”

“We don’t _talk!_ I barely know you anymore! You don’t think there’s anything _wrong_ with that?”

Taemin’s face goes blank, and he nods slowly. “Yeah.”

“Just…yeah?”

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“What do you _feel?_ We’re in a relationship, shouldn’t we talk?”

“Then…maybe we shouldn’t be.”

Jonghyun opens his mouth to speak, blinks once twice and again, _processes_ what Taemin has just said. “You want to break up?”

And Taemin shrugs, because…he hadn’t noticed. Not talking to Jonghyun didn’t _do_ anything to him. He doesn’t _say_ that, but. He’s sure Jonghyun knows. “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Jonghyun says, and while his face is carefully blank, there are tears welling up in his eyes, and he looks seconds away from crumpling. “Okay.”

“Jjong?”

“Yes?”

“Just…I love you.” It’s the first time Taemin says it, so unlike Jonghyun, who is quick to show affection and quicker to smile and say _I love you!_

Jonghyun’s face _crumples_ and the look he gives Taemin is almost accusatory, pathetic with the way silent tears slide down his cheeks. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t have to. And before Taemin can say anything else, Jonghyun hangs up.

And Taemin doesn’t call back.


End file.
